It’s that jolly time of year again! December’s here: what does this mean?

If your answer was ‘h*lidays’, then you might just be a religious supremacist. The word ‘h*liday’ is derived from the Old English hāligdæg, meaning ‘h*ly day’, and the oncoming break has absolutely nothing to do with the celebration of religious tradition.

You might be asking yourself worriedly, ‘Am I a bigot?’ However, both bigots and non-bigots alike have nothing to fear. An on-campus association, the Movement Against Racism and Xenophobia (MARX), has compiled a list of helpful regulations to ensure that you and your friends do not offend a single person!

1. Most importantly, never utter the word ‘Chr*stm*s’. Some may find this difficult, as they deem it an integral part of their culture and hold it very close to their hearts. However, you must remember that other cultures have holidays, such as D*wali and H*nnukk*h, which are equally suppressed by the MARX, so you are not alone in your silence.
2. Do not introduce the nonsensical argument that ‘Hey, I’d be fine with others openly celebrating D*wali and H*nukk*h, so let me openly celebrate Chr*stm*s!’ Remember that UNIS is a secular school. This is why we have dress-up day. There is no such thing as H*ll*w**n. Dress-up day has nothing–nothing–to do with H*ll*w**n.

If holidays from all represented cultures were acknowledged by the MARX, there would be no school days. This would hinder students and faculty from being overworked, a quality that UNIS values as an IB school.

Additionally, do not question the inclusion of school-sponsored candy cane sales and fake pine trees at the annual Winterfest. If you sincerely believe that candy canes and pine trees have Chr*stm*s connotations, you may be harassed, interrogated by faculty, or accused of hate speech.

3. You might be fretting over the absence of your favourite winter break tunes and films. Luckily, the Senate has released a playlist of approved (and very slightly edited) songs to ‘jam’ to with your friends. The playlist includes such hits as ‘Last Winter Break’, ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Winter Break’, and ‘All I Want for Winter Break is You’.

Certain films have also been released by the Senate for private viewing, including Elf (forty-two minutes of problematic content removed) and How the Grinch Stole Chr*stm*s (one hour and fifty minutes of problematic content removed). Film buffs are also free to watch the credits of any ‘Chr*stm*s’ film in their entirety. Viewer discretion is nonetheless advised.

(Film and music lovers should be aware that the possession of banned materials will result in swift disciplinary action.)

4. It has been deemed grossly unsuitable that one should wish others a ‘happy’ winter break. Unfortunately, many find happiness difficult to attain, and it is presumptuous and insensitive to throw away a flippant ‘Happy winter break!’ It is vastly more inclusive to wish others a ‘Satisfactory winter break,’ in an appropriately neutral tone.

Edit: A recent update states that wishing others a ‘Satisfactory winter break’ excludes those from the Southern Hemisphere, where it is now summer. These unfortunate individuals will see the well-wisher as cruel and narrow-minded. A much more respectful alternative is the inoffensive ‘Satisfactory break.’

Edit: In a recent complaint from IBDP students, the word ‘break’ has been recognised as misleading. The official term for these three weeks is ‘extended work-from-home period’.

Therefore, one should not wish others any form of good, as it is apt to offend even the most hardened w*nter b*eak lovers. A subtle nod of the head should suffice.

Now, you’re all set to have a satisfactory and respectful last-two-weeks-of-December.

Merry Christmas.

Next up: MARX’s 2019 Guide to a Wholesome and Secular Spring Break!